He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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