i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
