every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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