a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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