Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
