Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
she woke up with a sticky ear
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
