When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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