I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
