I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
