Is it normal to miss your booty call?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
