you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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