My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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