I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
