Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
