Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i want to swaddle you in tequila
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
