I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
