evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
