just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize