operation harelip BJ is a go
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
