He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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