Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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