Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
