I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
