I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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