stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
