I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
