The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
