I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
