Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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