to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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