Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
