Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
