why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I want to be your penis for a week.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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