we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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