so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
