My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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