I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize