the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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