My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
