Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
