not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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