I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize