If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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