When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I love you. Go after that dick
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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