you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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