Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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