It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
