a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
God, you're like boner-b-gone
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You took a bar mat shot.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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