The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
