it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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