I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
