Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
