and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
