what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
