shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
