I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
