my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
someone owes me an orgasm
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
