I could have mohawked her pubes.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The adults are the big ones right?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
