textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
