There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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