You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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