I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
