He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
