nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize