She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
