If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
