I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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