You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
