If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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