i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
