You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
