I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
